the microwave sat sealed in its box in the corner of the dining area, as if it had just been delivered that day from UPS. he never said anything more that day as i just looked up from the box, started crying and ran out of the room. the microwave was never discussed. ever, it just sat in the box in the corner. it was now forgotten, really, but not quite, really. and we ended up going to a movie on christmas the spirit totally gone for the rest of the day. and, life as normal continued.
it was my niece that opened the box and took out the microwave and found the christmas gift inside, still wrapped, inside the microwave, which she opened to make her popcorn she brought for dinner at my apartment she was "house sitting" for us that week while we went on vacation. the old one blew up, literally, when she tried popping her dinner the night before, then, of course, she saw the new one and did what I probably should have done 7 months earlier and set it up for use. my niece, of course, told us the minute we walked in the door, about the microwave and the explosion and how she "installed" the new one for us, and then she handed me the present that she had found inside the present that disappointed me so much.
she was talking 100 miles an hour about exploding microwaves and a fire, but everything was OK, and the new microwave. heart stopped. they had just returned from the most blissful trip together, and there it was that microwave and everything that it meant or didn't mean really. and here now was an equally beautifully wrapped present which matched the original one thought not exactly, yet by design complementary.
i just looked at it. and heard nothing else that she was saying, until he asked, "aren't you going to open it?"
i looked up at him, he was smiling, of course, and fortunately that smile he wore bore the bliss of the shore they were still really on in their minds when they walked in the door. i looked at the present and wondered out loud, "ok, but what could it be?" i felt my niece looking at me and as i looked in her eyes, curiosity swelled in the smile she held that shifted ever so slightly as she noticed the tear falling now.
i took a deep breathe like i did on christmas day, but today i could tell it was different. i unwrapped the gift and opened the small box, inside there was a cotton cloth and under it was a piece of paper folded up twice. i opened it up and all that it said, is "i don't care, i just want to have as much fun with u as possible."
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
On Chad
what a sweet guy he was. and he was a "guy" and not yet a "man," and after one marriage after another, a total of four now, you would think i would have learned how to know THAT difference BEFORE i married number 3 and, definitely by, number 4, but i didn't and so NOW i sit in my favorite attorney's office waiting to sign the final papers on number 4.
maybe if i date a man, then it won't matter if i marry a guy?
maybe if i date a man, then it won't matter if i marry a guy?
Friday, January 10, 2014
Finish Microwav'IN Oz
do you have any idea what it is like to live on lukewarm ramen noodles? not even Top Ramen noodles but some kind you get in the chinese version of Costco where i have found myself stranded, at the chinese costco and my car still won't start and i've tried every single one of the tricks that usually worked. a tear escaped.
oh, shit. i knew a full-on floodgate was about to crack open if i didn't do something fast so i did that hail mary, just like i learned in school, full of grace, oh, do i need grace now. the lord is with thee. a lord must take care of things, that's good. blessed art thou amongst women. i don't feel it right now and i need help. and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. whoa. no. not me. blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the car that is going to take me home safely.
i turned the ignition one more time as i gave the clutch an extra nudge into the floorboard, the clicking started immediately. and then there he was.
he had jumper cables and was standing, smiling at me through my window. i didn't notice the big BIG white truck parked facing mine in the parking lot, its hood was up, and there my knight with his shiny copper jumper cables stood.
we were smoking the second joint after he followed me back to the hostel where I lived. his name was chad for the lack of knowing his real name in this recollection, i may remember it later and i'll be sure to correct it if i remember i want to do that, correct that small detail. he was friendly and open and we could easily talk with one another about our own interests which were mostly a mystery to the other because we had had such different lives. yet the way we naturally saw things was so comfortably normal except when it wasn't, and then it was just a matter of listening and questioning a lot, allot a lot of time for questions should you ever meet a "Chad," some of the most inquisitive people I've known.
of course, now queue the music video scene here of love's first kiss and into marital bliss. oh, WAIT! i scream in my head, you've only just met him and do not even know if he likes you at all and he's just being nice or wanted to just get high. i know now that not all that glitters is not gold, even knights with shiny copper jumper cables and big BIG white trucks. and perhaps that's a compensation for a small, and maybe he's gay and i'm just a really good friend to be touchy feelie with and, that's what i'll do. so i kiss him and make the move first because if he's not The One, i want to know now so we can move on. receptive but tentative it was obvious he liked fun, but a serious side emerged and then we were done.
he left and went home, yes, phone numbers were exchanged.
the next morning i woke up thinking of him. of how his lips felt and the strange way he pulled back. maybe he's married or what if he's gay? i put him out of my mind, i had so much to do. my friend marco was surfing but when he returned, he said he'd look at my car, i hope he can keep her going until i leave next month. i graded papers all day long and, occasionally my thoughts would drift to Chad and i wondered if he would call me? after making the bold move i made last night and his reaction to it, he would definitely need to be the one to call me.
it was nearly sunset before i went to take my walk. i walked an extra hour as my thoughts would weave in and out back and forth on the night before, the specific words exchanged and by the time i returned to the hostel convinced that he's probably someone else's knight in shining armour and then as i walked into my room at the hostel, there was the microwve sitting on the floor, a note was inside it:
"No one as sweet as you should ever have to eat luke warm ramen again." it was signed with a heart "<3 Chad." (or whatever his name was because i still do not remember.)
oh, shit. i knew a full-on floodgate was about to crack open if i didn't do something fast so i did that hail mary, just like i learned in school, full of grace, oh, do i need grace now. the lord is with thee. a lord must take care of things, that's good. blessed art thou amongst women. i don't feel it right now and i need help. and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. whoa. no. not me. blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the car that is going to take me home safely.
i turned the ignition one more time as i gave the clutch an extra nudge into the floorboard, the clicking started immediately. and then there he was.
he had jumper cables and was standing, smiling at me through my window. i didn't notice the big BIG white truck parked facing mine in the parking lot, its hood was up, and there my knight with his shiny copper jumper cables stood.
we were smoking the second joint after he followed me back to the hostel where I lived. his name was chad for the lack of knowing his real name in this recollection, i may remember it later and i'll be sure to correct it if i remember i want to do that, correct that small detail. he was friendly and open and we could easily talk with one another about our own interests which were mostly a mystery to the other because we had had such different lives. yet the way we naturally saw things was so comfortably normal except when it wasn't, and then it was just a matter of listening and questioning a lot, allot a lot of time for questions should you ever meet a "Chad," some of the most inquisitive people I've known.
of course, now queue the music video scene here of love's first kiss and into marital bliss. oh, WAIT! i scream in my head, you've only just met him and do not even know if he likes you at all and he's just being nice or wanted to just get high. i know now that not all that glitters is not gold, even knights with shiny copper jumper cables and big BIG white trucks. and perhaps that's a compensation for a small, and maybe he's gay and i'm just a really good friend to be touchy feelie with and, that's what i'll do. so i kiss him and make the move first because if he's not The One, i want to know now so we can move on. receptive but tentative it was obvious he liked fun, but a serious side emerged and then we were done.
he left and went home, yes, phone numbers were exchanged.
the next morning i woke up thinking of him. of how his lips felt and the strange way he pulled back. maybe he's married or what if he's gay? i put him out of my mind, i had so much to do. my friend marco was surfing but when he returned, he said he'd look at my car, i hope he can keep her going until i leave next month. i graded papers all day long and, occasionally my thoughts would drift to Chad and i wondered if he would call me? after making the bold move i made last night and his reaction to it, he would definitely need to be the one to call me.
it was nearly sunset before i went to take my walk. i walked an extra hour as my thoughts would weave in and out back and forth on the night before, the specific words exchanged and by the time i returned to the hostel convinced that he's probably someone else's knight in shining armour and then as i walked into my room at the hostel, there was the microwve sitting on the floor, a note was inside it:
"No one as sweet as you should ever have to eat luke warm ramen again." it was signed with a heart "<3 Chad." (or whatever his name was because i still do not remember.)
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Microwaving Oz
The package under the Christmas tree was a big box, red shiny paper with happy snowmen surrounded its contents with a huge red and silver bow wrapping itself around it in perfect dimension. It was a beautiful gift. It was a department store wrap job to be certain; of course, he wouldn't have wrapped it himself.
It was our third Christmas together. Our first one since we decided he'd move in with me, I did have my own apartment and it was just too expensive for anything else. My thoughts were interrupted by yet another chime from my phone reminding me that I too should be tagging merriment and holiday wishes to everyone's walls or sending out a text blast or something, but instead I turned my phone off and took another drink of coffee.
I was intrigued and perplexed by that big box. WTF is it? It was heavy too, not real heavy, but too heavy to be anything I could possibly think of, and it definitely did not come from Regulation or Tripp NYC, not with that wrapping. It looked like it came from Sears.
Ok, what would he buy me from a department store? Total blank. I looked at him as he was coming down the hallway, passed the tree and the Present (which was not there when we went to bed), and into the room as he continued his conversation on the phone with his mother. He rolled his eyes at me while smiling, and said, "of course, we'll be there at 6 for dinner." We never made it to dinner.
It wasn't so much that he gave me a kitchen appliance for Christmas, but he gave me a microwave! Seriously! WTF. I had not used a microwave in my life. The one in my little kitchen was here when I moved in and I never used it. My mom was one of those moms who KNEW about microwaves and what they do to our food and our electromagnetic fields. Anyway, no. I have never used a microwave and I just stared at the beautiful box likely containing the most hi-tech microwave available to mankind.
"What? You don't like it?! Your old one in the kitchen absolutely sucks." He asked absolutely glowing as if he had saved the world from nuclear meltdown. I did not even know what to do, say or how to respond.
I didn't look at him, I just stared at the box. I turned it around, fondling the slick colorful cardboard box, thinking about its journey to be here and everything in my head that it brought to light. The little robot drones in the warehouse, the overworked clerk in the department store. Yet, probably the thought that screamed the loudest was the fact that someone just gifted me something that only a stranger would give me.
... to be continued
It was our third Christmas together. Our first one since we decided he'd move in with me, I did have my own apartment and it was just too expensive for anything else. My thoughts were interrupted by yet another chime from my phone reminding me that I too should be tagging merriment and holiday wishes to everyone's walls or sending out a text blast or something, but instead I turned my phone off and took another drink of coffee.
I was intrigued and perplexed by that big box. WTF is it? It was heavy too, not real heavy, but too heavy to be anything I could possibly think of, and it definitely did not come from Regulation or Tripp NYC, not with that wrapping. It looked like it came from Sears.
Ok, what would he buy me from a department store? Total blank. I looked at him as he was coming down the hallway, passed the tree and the Present (which was not there when we went to bed), and into the room as he continued his conversation on the phone with his mother. He rolled his eyes at me while smiling, and said, "of course, we'll be there at 6 for dinner." We never made it to dinner.
It wasn't so much that he gave me a kitchen appliance for Christmas, but he gave me a microwave! Seriously! WTF. I had not used a microwave in my life. The one in my little kitchen was here when I moved in and I never used it. My mom was one of those moms who KNEW about microwaves and what they do to our food and our electromagnetic fields. Anyway, no. I have never used a microwave and I just stared at the beautiful box likely containing the most hi-tech microwave available to mankind.
"What? You don't like it?! Your old one in the kitchen absolutely sucks." He asked absolutely glowing as if he had saved the world from nuclear meltdown. I did not even know what to do, say or how to respond.
I didn't look at him, I just stared at the box. I turned it around, fondling the slick colorful cardboard box, thinking about its journey to be here and everything in my head that it brought to light. The little robot drones in the warehouse, the overworked clerk in the department store. Yet, probably the thought that screamed the loudest was the fact that someone just gifted me something that only a stranger would give me.
... to be continued
Friday, January 3, 2014
Microwaving Oz
I sat looking at that microwave while I smoked a joint. It was the last thing I "won" in the break-up, giving up the coat rack I picked out for our place in Seattle, I got the microwave. A very wise choice given my cooking skills, and so now, I just look at the microwave in this now empty kitchen where I started everything all over again, wondering should I leave it or put it on the steps for someone to pick-up or just dump it in the dumpster.
A silly thing, really, when I thought about it and wondered out loud in the empty space, "Why am I thinking about this so much?"
Knowing me as I am, I sat down on the only available seat, took a breath and took the time to think about it. Why AM I thinking about this so much?
Go back to the beginning. I remember the day we bought it. Even that day, I knew this day would come eventually. I suppose I wasn't ready to give up the experience I needed to learn that I knew then the truth I was sitting in atop this old wooden stoop stool in my now empty, cold and getting colder apartment as the Winter Sun flattened its light more with every passing minute. The need and desire for circuitous communication to control a relationship is a playful enough habit, but deadly for a marriage. And then I think about the circuitous thoughts in my mind with what to do with The Microwave. STOP!
"When in doubt, just leave things as is," was always the conservative approach of my father, so, I decided to leave the microwave in its place. "Its as if I forgot it wasn't part of the kitchen," I thought as I picked up my phone, put on my sunglasses, grabbed my travel bags and walked out the door from what had been my home after the divorce.
... to be continued
A silly thing, really, when I thought about it and wondered out loud in the empty space, "Why am I thinking about this so much?"
Knowing me as I am, I sat down on the only available seat, took a breath and took the time to think about it. Why AM I thinking about this so much?
Go back to the beginning. I remember the day we bought it. Even that day, I knew this day would come eventually. I suppose I wasn't ready to give up the experience I needed to learn that I knew then the truth I was sitting in atop this old wooden stoop stool in my now empty, cold and getting colder apartment as the Winter Sun flattened its light more with every passing minute. The need and desire for circuitous communication to control a relationship is a playful enough habit, but deadly for a marriage. And then I think about the circuitous thoughts in my mind with what to do with The Microwave. STOP!
"When in doubt, just leave things as is," was always the conservative approach of my father, so, I decided to leave the microwave in its place. "Its as if I forgot it wasn't part of the kitchen," I thought as I picked up my phone, put on my sunglasses, grabbed my travel bags and walked out the door from what had been my home after the divorce.
... to be continued
Thursday, January 2, 2014
#ListeningNow
#listeningnow
#Fourteen
#SoundCloud
because to have any context to anything you hear or see that has nothing to do with you, which is everything you see when everything in your reality is about you, because, as we know in truth in justice -- for any one thing to be true its opposite must be true as well. The Law of Converse is what I believe "They" call it. They use it quite handily and arbitrarily as I have found in my experience.
often what is true for one is not for the other. perhaps where our imbalanced competitiveness has had such fertile soil to grow into this mess we are when we think about it -- really take a moment and think about this world and all the systems that seem to be so broken because of all the negativity we are experiencing.
mostly, 2014, my quest has taken the "Answer" as top priority. Following the instructions of what They say, "Love is the answer," that's what I'm going for despite the fact that I believe that my Cosmic Consort truly must be on a planet far far away inasmuch as he is not here in this moment . . .
#Fourteen
#SoundCloud
because to have any context to anything you hear or see that has nothing to do with you, which is everything you see when everything in your reality is about you, because, as we know in truth in justice -- for any one thing to be true its opposite must be true as well. The Law of Converse is what I believe "They" call it. They use it quite handily and arbitrarily as I have found in my experience.
often what is true for one is not for the other. perhaps where our imbalanced competitiveness has had such fertile soil to grow into this mess we are when we think about it -- really take a moment and think about this world and all the systems that seem to be so broken because of all the negativity we are experiencing.
mostly, 2014, my quest has taken the "Answer" as top priority. Following the instructions of what They say, "Love is the answer," that's what I'm going for despite the fact that I believe that my Cosmic Consort truly must be on a planet far far away inasmuch as he is not here in this moment . . .
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