to know what you think you know, sometimes -- SOMETIMES -- is good enough to get you through the darkest times of your life. sometimes to think you know anything at all is a guess, yet, when you play that guess out in the game life has found you in for the moment, the truth is revealed. the sacrifice of Paster Pope for his own redemption was found in his words, "I am so sorry I hurt you." (i kinda snickered at him under my breath, because #tbt i already KNEW that! yet, he was a kind man to take his very small steps in his journey that is quite profound and a beautiful story.)
what he did to adjust our relationship is forever from this time in his hands, he knows it. that's the program playing in his head, and i know that so i know how much that is untrue because the truth is, the "rest is still unwritten" right -- although some of it has been written in the past and is just now manifesting in some ways, life is precarious in the unique ways we build our lives with love and definitions of our programs for our lives to become the ones we want to live each and every day we choose to take breath and continue breathing.
i do know this -- i know my steps with him are as secure as ever -- just as his steps are safe with me and are as secure as ever. we stand in a solidarity for our community that allows us to come to the table to talk -- every time we need to do it. that much we do in solidarity.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
writing now as
a labyrinth of time
plays rather true
finding a knot
it never knew.
quickly undone
unravelling great fun
love got sooo lost
in its mirroring
just one
vibe.
plays rather true
finding a knot
it never knew.
quickly undone
unravelling great fun
love got sooo lost
in its mirroring
just one
vibe.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
the thunder and lightening
always make me think of you.
it doesn't matter where i am, i think of you.
maybe one day i will not, then i will have found love.
you are not love. you are still just an idea of love i write to on the internet.
i know there is true love, i know now better what is and is not true love having experienced a little bit of this life on earth, i think i know what i think is "true love" more today than i did when i married the first time, that is for certain.
so, good night, perfect cosmic lover of the internet ... fuq you.
it doesn't matter where i am, i think of you.
maybe one day i will not, then i will have found love.
you are not love. you are still just an idea of love i write to on the internet.
i know there is true love, i know now better what is and is not true love having experienced a little bit of this life on earth, i think i know what i think is "true love" more today than i did when i married the first time, that is for certain.
so, good night, perfect cosmic lover of the internet ... fuq you.
the gas man
reality.
my gas is turned off. oh, sure, not through any deliberate effort, my former husband failed to pay that bill for the past three months and so, now, this morning, supposedly between 7 and 8, comes the gas man -- or person as the case may be maybe -- yet, an hour and a half later, i'm blogging because ...
technically, the former husband should not have this control over my life.
reality,
i can leave the house unlocked and go ahead and go to work right now.
reality,
daughter said life is ok to live like this if i need to -- she really wants braces.
reality,
it will be fun to learn again =) high school picking friends and thinking about what we want to do for the rest of our time here -- the rest of this high school ride in the desert. high school was never really stressful to me, i spent most of my time working so i didn't have to stay in that environment for very long each day. this year is sophomore year and oh, boy, are we having fun? i think so, mostly, except for that deep loneliness i know is not being even slightly touched at this point, its still nice to have fun in the world of privilege in which we actually presently live.
reality,
my questions is: why am I (as in me being the one) waiting on the gas man? I can just leave the door open and the note for him at the front . . . . hmmmmmmmmm, decisions to make. maybe time for an #om while i think and rest and wait and decide or just be in undecision and see what happens next.
my gas is turned off. oh, sure, not through any deliberate effort, my former husband failed to pay that bill for the past three months and so, now, this morning, supposedly between 7 and 8, comes the gas man -- or person as the case may be maybe -- yet, an hour and a half later, i'm blogging because ...
technically, the former husband should not have this control over my life.
reality,
i can leave the house unlocked and go ahead and go to work right now.
reality,
daughter said life is ok to live like this if i need to -- she really wants braces.
reality,
it will be fun to learn again =) high school picking friends and thinking about what we want to do for the rest of our time here -- the rest of this high school ride in the desert. high school was never really stressful to me, i spent most of my time working so i didn't have to stay in that environment for very long each day. this year is sophomore year and oh, boy, are we having fun? i think so, mostly, except for that deep loneliness i know is not being even slightly touched at this point, its still nice to have fun in the world of privilege in which we actually presently live.
reality,
my questions is: why am I (as in me being the one) waiting on the gas man? I can just leave the door open and the note for him at the front . . . . hmmmmmmmmm, decisions to make. maybe time for an #om while i think and rest and wait and decide or just be in undecision and see what happens next.
questionable self
its just a quick little note
sometimes its just here and there
things to know when to know things
are mostly left for others to care.
should i bring help or go it
alone, is it just silly or
real life getting in
the way of
love so
true
?
sometimes its just here and there
things to know when to know things
are mostly left for others to care.
should i bring help or go it
alone, is it just silly or
real life getting in
the way of
love so
true
?
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
when someone else defines You in the head of Your Cosmic Love, what can you do, especially, if they just have you defined as the "Girl Next Door, Smoke Pot, Party Girl" instead of the love of your life you know I actually am, right?! because I could be, except that you have decided the "Me" that is the "You" in your head that I am is merely not for you to consider in any way except how someone else defined me to you.
what is a girl supposed to do with thoughts like that?
if life was a game and just a simple story, i guess i would maybe engage that one, yet life isn't a game, it is a real thing that we share on this planet and right now, i'm STILL putting thoughts like these out of my head because you don't exist as my lover unless i am your lover, and i cannot define that for you, only for me.
#fuqafukushima there's a nuclear power plant on meltdown on planet earth right now very few people even know about today.
what is a girl supposed to do with thoughts like that?
if life was a game and just a simple story, i guess i would maybe engage that one, yet life isn't a game, it is a real thing that we share on this planet and right now, i'm STILL putting thoughts like these out of my head because you don't exist as my lover unless i am your lover, and i cannot define that for you, only for me.
#fuqafukushima there's a nuclear power plant on meltdown on planet earth right now very few people even know about today.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
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