and then ...

you realize that no, that is not how your cosmic consort would be.
knowing what you do not want in a relationship is probably easier than ever know what you do want.
because the truth is, we have NO idea what we want except in relation to what we don't want.  just because we don't want a "man who is out of touch", we also want a man who we can be independent and detached from without ever feeling that way.  The inextricable need to have that person just "there" when you desire to connect (in whatever form that may take in any given moment in time), is the one that drags us down that co-dependent hole of self-destructive habits that breed zombies at an alarming rate.

connection is great.  Connection will drown you in your own selfish distraction of self-sacrifice to the other just so they will feel loved.  Sick really, if you think about it.  Who wants to feel loved?  I want to know I'm loved by having the timing of meaningful connection serendipitous with the desire rather than need, that when there's a purity that is based in positive vibrations.

Ok, so that's not a story, but its what I'm thinking may work given what I know I do not want.  =)

the earth was shaking

it could happen here in california, "the big one", I was thinking, but I knew this wasn't it.

it wasn't the earth shaking, it was just the old windows and doors of this mid-century desert house rattling so loud under the vibration of the blades of the military chopper which just so happened to be flying overhead.  I actually exclaimed to them, "you don't have to buzz by the residents and don't kill anyone today," the vibration was that of an intentional fly by than their routine taken out of their base of operations down the highway.

hmmmm ... maybe they were buzzing me, warning me.  I did, for about two seconds (one second longer than normal it seemed), have that feeling -- and I stopped in the hallway and waited and whispered in my head, "please don't kill me."  Knowing that the truth is, no one even knows I am here, well except for a handful of a few indulgent family and friends, and they care very little about anything I have to say let alone give it import.

I really do not think that anything I say should piss someone off to the point they want to drop a bomb on me.  I mean I just talk and say all kinds of things about things that interest me or, rather, pique my interest I will more accurately state.  Mostly, I think I read what is there, I make observations and then question the world until it makes sense to me.  And then I must remember, I also didn't think that I'd ever get thrown in jail because of things I wrote.  THANKFULLY, of course, my logical brain did kick in ... my letter, the one I read into #soundcloud and uploaded just before my loud guest arrived, had nothing to do with the war, the drones or anything like that, it was just about my daughter's school and the mess we have going on there.  Surely, there is no need to get the marines involved for that!

And I'm all good again until I go to record a reading of a poem i just penned -- oh, wait, can't say that -- typed, and *poof* that Soundcloud app I use to make and upload audio recordings ... gone.

Sigh, techies and their tweaking!  I am sure my recording option will be back soon just like the word count feature on WordPress.  =)

so u know

reality has a very strange way of presenting itself to each of us in its own magical way.
deciding which reality is real and which is ... oh, say virtual ... is the trick when we realize the games we *think* we need to play in order to achieve our purpose.
knowing purpose is paramount to know the process with which the experience of this 3d world brings together.  and in each phrase we purpose our reality to becoming the one we believe is what we vision based on what? ? ? a projection by our former self?  or just an imposition of the latest craze on the details of our own life?

painting.  #red .... random color choices of a #cosmicgirl.