New Relationships And Holidays

Everyone celebrates the holidays, even if your like me and don't install a single ornament or go to church or a parade or even a party. Christmas gets celebrated every year and we all wake up, coexist and live in celebration each day.

The humility of Christianity make me think this huge messy Santa celebration thing is so unChristmas except in the way it isn't for a handful of people.

I try to be in that handful, yet I often miss Christmas altogether -- except dinner with friends because we're all on holiday.

Celebrate simple and pure. Our planet needs the attention over *#@%^ Christmas.

"Thoughts"

Thoughts are just that -- thoughts.  Things we don't really know exactly what they are or how they are actually formed, except that often they are based on experience, reality and imagination, are always present.

Most "thoughts" stay silently tucked away inside each of our brains for our own use, examination, experience and then -- the internet appeared and now we can just *POOF* write our thoughts and send them out of our brains.  I don't find emptying my brain of its thoughts ever works, though, even if i type or record every single one of them, there are always more of them waiting to be seen, heard, recognized or even, if so lucky, expressed and shared.

People often like to define us by the thoughts we've chosen to express (or not express in certain situations), and well, if they need to do that, they may and you should know that people do do that -- define you by what they THINK you said when you expressed THAT thought there.

Earth.  A prison system right now.

He's Moody

Men intrigue me. When men are moody they are mostly annoying probably in the way we women are when we are moody. Yet, moody men are most intriguing until they are just silly.

Normal is hard to know if moody is their way of life.  The work in relationships isn't worth it if the moody ones don't understand (or try to understand) their rhythms.

Spend your time with those who work as hard as you do at making yourselves and your world better.

best layed plans

usually have been thought about for a long time, written down, edited and modified many many times.  so why not in life, can we plan our own . . . life?

i wonder that and then think about what i would write today.  today, my dad died.  i'm very sad.  i would have written a very different story for me and my dad to experience if i was the writer of our lives together, yet i was not -- except as the child sitting here writing this.

i would have written a happy life for us -- which would need to have excluded my mother from all of our reality except for perhaps before age . . . 13.  she was cool until i turned 13. then, i don't know what happened -- something like a combination of Pat Robertson meets Fox News hit.  It seemed like nothing they taught me before then mattered.

we never reconciled, yet i do think they know i love them the same as i always did, even with all that hate and stuff they hold onto so tight.  well, dad, you don't need to hold on to it any more.  enjoy infinity, i hear its fun.

FUQEDITORS

because i have a boyfriend that i had been having sex with everyday -- at least once -- for seven weeks, except 2 days, and then there was Thanksgiving Dinner with his daughter and her man.

#Thanksgiving.

should be so simple unless you just want to make every thing that you #MustHave on #Thanksgiving because that's just what we do, not what we really, truly want or actually care about.

#Gorging.  That's what was happening, and what planet earth reality came to say #FuqThat, THAT reality is #Unsustainable if you want to continue living.

My new boyfriend, or at least trying to be my new "Man" (yet in his head its more like "MAN" I am most certain), as such could be a challenge if you live the reality i am living as my daughter chooses to attend a fuqing public high school with her friends from junior high - - don't ask, long story -- had a seizure right as we were finishing dinner.

He's still recovering today -- wow what a journey of WOW bam WOW bam WOW -- yet, still, nothing as bad as jail, so i smile and keep on stepping as fast as possible to teh drum i'm hearing that's going to bring this #fuqafukushima reality to a happy ending as we step forward to ? ? ?

tomorrow is a new day.  i am enjoying having a boyfriend =)

never knowing where you are

never knowing where you are leaves you mostly confused and lost.

i really never know where i am because i never know who i am to everyone around me.

maybe everyone feels this way?

so, life today is involved with a war waging all over our planet against the coming storms of shift that our planet will force us to reconcile with, if we can, and a war amongst its people everywhere it seems.

i used to get excited about going to listen to people talk about the wars, all of them, then i realized that they knew nothing except how to perpetuate the wars -- all of them.  to be honest, all i ever heard was war stories and how to "stop the war" by expanding it in "Our Way."  i think, the most important thing to do to stop a war is to decide "Today, we are stopping the war," and going from there. the first step is to STOP fighting amongst your friends.

every moment we find ourselves in a moment with others, we can say, "you are my friend and we will support and empower one another and we will stop the wars."  if we can do that together, we can stop the wars.

to know what you think you know

to know what you think you know, sometimes -- SOMETIMES -- is good enough to get you through the darkest times of your life.  sometimes to think you know anything at all is a guess, yet, when you play that guess out in the game life has found you in for the moment, the truth is revealed.  the sacrifice of Paster Pope for his own redemption was found in his words, "I am so sorry I hurt you."  (i kinda snickered at him under my breath, because #tbt i already KNEW that! yet, he was a kind man to take his very small steps in his journey that is quite profound and a beautiful story.)

what he did to adjust our relationship is forever from this time in his hands, he knows it.  that's the program playing in his head, and i know that so i know how much that is untrue because the truth is, the "rest is still unwritten" right -- although some of it has been written in the past and is just now manifesting in some ways, life is precarious in the unique ways we build our lives with love and definitions of our programs for our lives to become the ones we want to live each and every day we choose to take breath and continue breathing.

i do know this -- i know my steps with him are as secure as ever -- just as his steps are safe with me and are as secure as ever.  we stand in a solidarity for our community that allows us to come to the table to talk -- every time we need to do it.  that much we do in solidarity.

writing now as

a labyrinth of time
plays rather true
finding a knot
it never knew.
quickly undone
unravelling great fun
love got sooo lost
in its mirroring
just one
vibe.

the thunder and lightening

always make me think of you.

it doesn't matter where i am, i think of you.

maybe one day i will not, then i will have found love.

you are not love.  you are still just an idea of love i write to on the internet. 

i know there is true love, i know now better what is and is not true love having experienced a little bit of this life on earth, i think i know what i think is "true love" more today than i did when i married the first time, that is for certain.

so, good night, perfect cosmic lover of the internet ... fuq you.

the gas man

reality.
my gas is turned off.  oh, sure, not through any deliberate effort, my former husband failed to pay that bill for the past three months and so, now, this morning, supposedly between 7 and 8, comes the gas man -- or person as the case may be maybe -- yet, an hour and a half later, i'm blogging because ...

technically, the former husband should not have this control over my life.

reality,
i can leave the house unlocked and go ahead and go to work right now.

reality,
daughter said life is ok to live like this if i need to -- she really wants braces.

reality,
it will be fun to learn again =) high school picking friends and thinking about what we want to do for the rest of our time here -- the rest of this high school ride in the desert.  high school was never really stressful to me, i spent most of my time working so i didn't have to stay in that environment for very long each day.  this year is sophomore year and oh, boy, are we having fun?  i think so, mostly, except for that deep loneliness i know is not being even slightly touched at this point, its still nice to have fun in the world of privilege in which we actually presently live. 

reality,
my questions is:  why am I (as in me being the one) waiting on the gas man?  I can just leave the door open and the note for him at the front . . . . hmmmmmmmmm, decisions to make.  maybe time for an #om while i think and rest and wait and decide or just be in undecision and see what happens next.

questionable self

its just a quick little note
sometimes its just here and there
things to know when to know things
are mostly left for others to care.
should i bring help or go it
alone, is it just silly or
real life getting in
the way of
love so
true
?

when someone else defines You in the head of Your Cosmic Love, what can you do, especially, if they just have you defined as the "Girl Next Door, Smoke Pot, Party Girl" instead of the love of your life you know I actually am, right?!  because I could be, except that you have decided the "Me" that is the "You" in your head that I am is merely not for you to consider in any way except how someone else defined me to you.

what is a girl supposed to do with thoughts like that?

if life was a game and just a simple story, i guess i would maybe engage that one, yet life isn't a game, it is a real thing that we share on this planet and right now, i'm STILL putting thoughts like these out of my head because you don't exist as my lover unless i am your lover, and i cannot define that for you, only for me.

#fuqafukushima there's a nuclear power plant on meltdown on planet earth right now very few people even know about today.

Listening Now

#ListeningNow

https://mysp.ac/2uQqx?play=1

moon over window

It was a sunny day that i discovered the clue that unraveled it all.  It was really just a simple email, a routine, housekeeping kind, the kind that makes sure that this hand knows what that hand is doing kind of email.  Yet when the visual pop-up came up when I copied in the hyperlink, I just wondered out loud, "What would a movie and television production company have to do with a peace and justice website?"

I guess I'll just wait and see if anyone heard me and if anyone has an answer to that question.