FUQEDITORS

because i have a boyfriend that i had been having sex with everyday -- at least once -- for seven weeks, except 2 days, and then there was Thanksgiving Dinner with his daughter and her man.

#Thanksgiving.

should be so simple unless you just want to make every thing that you #MustHave on #Thanksgiving because that's just what we do, not what we really, truly want or actually care about.

#Gorging.  That's what was happening, and what planet earth reality came to say #FuqThat, THAT reality is #Unsustainable if you want to continue living.

My new boyfriend, or at least trying to be my new "Man" (yet in his head its more like "MAN" I am most certain), as such could be a challenge if you live the reality i am living as my daughter chooses to attend a fuqing public high school with her friends from junior high - - don't ask, long story -- had a seizure right as we were finishing dinner.

He's still recovering today -- wow what a journey of WOW bam WOW bam WOW -- yet, still, nothing as bad as jail, so i smile and keep on stepping as fast as possible to teh drum i'm hearing that's going to bring this #fuqafukushima reality to a happy ending as we step forward to ? ? ?

tomorrow is a new day.  i am enjoying having a boyfriend =)

writing now as

a labyrinth of time
plays rather true
finding a knot
it never knew.
quickly undone
unravelling great fun
love got sooo lost
in its mirroring
just one
vibe.

the thunder and lightening

always make me think of you.

it doesn't matter where i am, i think of you.

maybe one day i will not, then i will have found love.

you are not love.  you are still just an idea of love i write to on the internet. 

i know there is true love, i know now better what is and is not true love having experienced a little bit of this life on earth, i think i know what i think is "true love" more today than i did when i married the first time, that is for certain.

so, good night, perfect cosmic lover of the internet ... fuq you.

curious stranger

everyone you meet for the first time is a stranger.  they just are.  no matter what you feel like around them, they are a stranger.  be super curious about that stranger, they may just become a friend.  besides, its something to do to curb your perpetual cosmic boredom here on planet earth!

microwaving oz

the microwave sat sealed in its box in the corner of the dining area, as if it had just been delivered that day from UPS.  he never said anything more that day as i just looked up from the box, started crying and ran out of the room.  the microwave was never discussed.  ever, it just sat in the box in the corner.  it was now forgotten, really, but not quite, really.  and we ended up going to a movie on christmas the spirit totally gone for the rest of the day.  and, life as normal continued.

it was my niece that opened the box and took out the microwave and found the christmas gift inside, still wrapped, inside the microwave, which she opened to make her popcorn she brought for dinner at my apartment she was "house sitting" for us that week while we went on vacation.  the old one blew up, literally, when she tried popping her dinner the night before, then, of course, she saw the new one and did what I probably should have done 7 months earlier and set it up for use.  my niece, of course, told us the minute we walked in the door, about the microwave and the explosion and how she "installed" the new one for us, and then she handed me the present that she had found inside the present that disappointed me so much.

she was talking 100 miles an hour about exploding microwaves and a fire, but everything was OK, and the new microwave.  heart stopped.  they had just returned from the most blissful trip together, and there it was that microwave and everything that it meant or didn't mean really.  and here now was an equally beautifully wrapped present which matched the original one thought not exactly, yet by design complementary.

i just looked at it.  and heard nothing else that she was saying, until he asked, "aren't you going to open it?"

i looked up at him, he was smiling, of course, and fortunately that smile he wore bore the bliss of the shore they were still really on in their minds when they walked in the door.  i looked at the present and wondered out loud, "ok, but what could it be?"  i felt my niece looking at me and as i looked in her eyes, curiosity swelled in the smile she held that shifted ever so slightly as she noticed the tear falling now.

i took a deep breathe like i did on christmas day, but today i could tell it was different.  i unwrapped the gift and opened the small box, inside there was a cotton cloth and under it was a piece of paper folded up twice.  i opened it up and all that it said, is "i don't care, i just want to have as much fun with u as possible."

On Chad

what a sweet guy he was.  and he was a "guy" and not yet a "man," and after one marriage after another, a total of four now, you would think i would have learned how to know THAT difference BEFORE i married number 3 and, definitely by, number 4, but i didn't and so NOW i sit in my favorite attorney's office waiting to sign the final papers on number 4.

maybe if i date a man, then it won't matter if i marry a guy?

Finish Microwav'IN Oz

do you have any idea what it is like to live on lukewarm ramen noodles?  not even Top Ramen noodles but some kind you get in the chinese version of Costco where i have found myself stranded, at the chinese costco and my car still won't start and i've tried every single one of the tricks that usually worked.  a tear escaped.

oh, shit.  i knew a full-on floodgate was about to crack open if i didn't do something fast so i did that hail mary, just like i learned in school, full of grace, oh, do i need grace now.  the lord is with thee.  a lord must take care of things, that's good.  blessed art thou amongst women.  i don't feel it right now and i need help.  and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.  whoa.  no.  not me.  blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the car that is going to take me home safely.

i turned the ignition one more time as i gave the clutch an extra nudge into the floorboard, the clicking started immediately.  and then there he was.

he had jumper cables and was standing, smiling at me through my window.  i didn't notice the big BIG white truck parked facing mine in the parking lot, its hood was up, and there my knight with his shiny copper jumper cables stood.

we were smoking the second joint after he followed me back to the hostel where I lived.  his name was chad for the lack of knowing his real name in this recollection, i may remember it later and i'll be sure to correct it if i remember i want to do that, correct that small detail.  he was friendly and open and we could easily talk with one another about our own interests which were mostly a mystery to the other because we had had such different lives.  yet the way we naturally saw things was so comfortably normal except when it wasn't, and then it was just a matter of listening and questioning a lot, allot a lot of time for questions should you ever meet a "Chad," some of the most inquisitive people I've known.

of course, now queue the music video scene here of love's first kiss and into marital bliss.  oh, WAIT!  i scream in my head, you've only just met him and do not even know if he likes you at all and he's just being nice or wanted to just get high.  i know now that not all that glitters is not gold, even knights with shiny copper jumper cables and big BIG white trucks.  and perhaps that's a compensation for a small, and maybe he's gay and i'm just a really good friend to be touchy feelie with and, that's what i'll do.  so i kiss him and make the move first because if he's not The One, i want to know now so we can move on.  receptive but tentative it was obvious he liked fun, but a serious side emerged and then we were done.

he left and went home, yes, phone numbers were exchanged.

the next morning i woke up thinking of him.  of how his lips felt and the strange way he pulled back.  maybe he's married or what if he's gay?  i put him out of my mind, i had so much to do.  my friend marco was surfing but when he returned, he said he'd look at my car, i hope he can keep her going until i leave next month.  i graded papers all day long and, occasionally my thoughts would drift to Chad and i wondered if he would call me?  after making the bold move i made last night and his reaction to it, he would definitely need to be the one to call me.

it was nearly sunset before i went to take my walk.  i walked an extra hour as my thoughts would weave in and out back and forth on the night before, the specific words exchanged and by the time i returned to the hostel convinced that he's probably someone else's knight in shining armour and then as i walked into my room at the hostel, there was the microwve sitting on the floor, a note was inside it:

"No one as sweet as you should ever have to eat luke warm ramen again."  it was signed with a heart "<3  Chad."  (or whatever his name was because i still do not remember.)

#ListeningNow

#listeningnow
#Fourteen
#SoundCloud

because to have any context to anything you hear or see that has nothing to do with you, which is everything you see when everything in your reality is about you, because, as we know in truth in justice -- for any one thing to be true its opposite must be true as well.  The Law of Converse is what I believe "They" call it.  They use it quite handily and arbitrarily as I have found in my experience.

often what is true for one is not for the other.  perhaps where our imbalanced competitiveness has had such fertile soil to grow into this mess we are when we think about it -- really take a moment and think about this world and all the systems that seem to be so broken because of all the negativity we are experiencing.

mostly, 2014, my quest has taken the "Answer" as top priority.  Following the instructions of what They say, "Love is the answer," that's what I'm going for despite the fact that I believe that my Cosmic Consort truly must be on a planet far far away inasmuch as he is not here in this moment . . .

and there we go following along

until we realize we are merely just following along.
not because its a reality we wanted -- that one we dreamed of when we were children -- but it IS the one we moved to by finding the common space of Marginal Comfort, with just enough misery to make us feel alive.

and then *poof* you realize, if I so choose -- you know the point where you decide you are looking for something and not just for something different vis-a-vis what you have -- if we choose to abandon that part of our security that is a source of misery for the unknown, that quest found in the vision so long ago rendered in our mind's eye, renewing the search again to live out that misery born in Cosmic Boredom in its lament for The Partner, The Lover, A Good Fuq, An Intimate Conversation, A Cosmic Consort.

and then ...

you realize that no, that is not how your cosmic consort would be.
knowing what you do not want in a relationship is probably easier than ever know what you do want.
because the truth is, we have NO idea what we want except in relation to what we don't want.  just because we don't want a "man who is out of touch", we also want a man who we can be independent and detached from without ever feeling that way.  The inextricable need to have that person just "there" when you desire to connect (in whatever form that may take in any given moment in time), is the one that drags us down that co-dependent hole of self-destructive habits that breed zombies at an alarming rate.

connection is great.  Connection will drown you in your own selfish distraction of self-sacrifice to the other just so they will feel loved.  Sick really, if you think about it.  Who wants to feel loved?  I want to know I'm loved by having the timing of meaningful connection serendipitous with the desire rather than need, that when there's a purity that is based in positive vibrations.

Ok, so that's not a story, but its what I'm thinking may work given what I know I do not want.  =)