microwaving oz

the microwave sat sealed in its box in the corner of the dining area, as if it had just been delivered that day from UPS.  he never said anything more that day as i just looked up from the box, started crying and ran out of the room.  the microwave was never discussed.  ever, it just sat in the box in the corner.  it was now forgotten, really, but not quite, really.  and we ended up going to a movie on christmas the spirit totally gone for the rest of the day.  and, life as normal continued.

it was my niece that opened the box and took out the microwave and found the christmas gift inside, still wrapped, inside the microwave, which she opened to make her popcorn she brought for dinner at my apartment she was "house sitting" for us that week while we went on vacation.  the old one blew up, literally, when she tried popping her dinner the night before, then, of course, she saw the new one and did what I probably should have done 7 months earlier and set it up for use.  my niece, of course, told us the minute we walked in the door, about the microwave and the explosion and how she "installed" the new one for us, and then she handed me the present that she had found inside the present that disappointed me so much.

she was talking 100 miles an hour about exploding microwaves and a fire, but everything was OK, and the new microwave.  heart stopped.  they had just returned from the most blissful trip together, and there it was that microwave and everything that it meant or didn't mean really.  and here now was an equally beautifully wrapped present which matched the original one thought not exactly, yet by design complementary.

i just looked at it.  and heard nothing else that she was saying, until he asked, "aren't you going to open it?"

i looked up at him, he was smiling, of course, and fortunately that smile he wore bore the bliss of the shore they were still really on in their minds when they walked in the door.  i looked at the present and wondered out loud, "ok, but what could it be?"  i felt my niece looking at me and as i looked in her eyes, curiosity swelled in the smile she held that shifted ever so slightly as she noticed the tear falling now.

i took a deep breathe like i did on christmas day, but today i could tell it was different.  i unwrapped the gift and opened the small box, inside there was a cotton cloth and under it was a piece of paper folded up twice.  i opened it up and all that it said, is "i don't care, i just want to have as much fun with u as possible."

On Chad

what a sweet guy he was.  and he was a "guy" and not yet a "man," and after one marriage after another, a total of four now, you would think i would have learned how to know THAT difference BEFORE i married number 3 and, definitely by, number 4, but i didn't and so NOW i sit in my favorite attorney's office waiting to sign the final papers on number 4.

maybe if i date a man, then it won't matter if i marry a guy?

twas the night before christmas

we all have one of those stories don't we.

this isn't what chrismas eve is supposed to be like, is it?

all alone.  whether you are literally all alone or in a room full of people, you are all alone.

what makes this story even more tragic, is you don't have to be all alone, but you make the choice to do so.

i know.

the truth is, what i thought it was, isn't what it is, so, yes i do have to be alone, until i find that which i am looking for.  i already committed to that, which is why i am alone.

and now ... i am going to have a dinner prepared by a bonafide French chef, and go and hang with my friends -- like i would just because we want to hang out.  so, then i'll be all alone with them, and they are the best people to be all alone with, especially on the night before christmas!

and then, the real truth is, that there are countless people who are all alone tonight because their circumstances and today is really just another day in the life of, and this is the first year where christmas is merely an excuse to have parties with my friends while my daughter is on vacation.