the gas man

reality.
my gas is turned off.  oh, sure, not through any deliberate effort, my former husband failed to pay that bill for the past three months and so, now, this morning, supposedly between 7 and 8, comes the gas man -- or person as the case may be maybe -- yet, an hour and a half later, i'm blogging because ...

technically, the former husband should not have this control over my life.

reality,
i can leave the house unlocked and go ahead and go to work right now.

reality,
daughter said life is ok to live like this if i need to -- she really wants braces.

reality,
it will be fun to learn again =) high school picking friends and thinking about what we want to do for the rest of our time here -- the rest of this high school ride in the desert.  high school was never really stressful to me, i spent most of my time working so i didn't have to stay in that environment for very long each day.  this year is sophomore year and oh, boy, are we having fun?  i think so, mostly, except for that deep loneliness i know is not being even slightly touched at this point, its still nice to have fun in the world of privilege in which we actually presently live. 

reality,
my questions is:  why am I (as in me being the one) waiting on the gas man?  I can just leave the door open and the note for him at the front . . . . hmmmmmmmmm, decisions to make.  maybe time for an #om while i think and rest and wait and decide or just be in undecision and see what happens next.

twas the night before christmas

we all have one of those stories don't we.

this isn't what chrismas eve is supposed to be like, is it?

all alone.  whether you are literally all alone or in a room full of people, you are all alone.

what makes this story even more tragic, is you don't have to be all alone, but you make the choice to do so.

i know.

the truth is, what i thought it was, isn't what it is, so, yes i do have to be alone, until i find that which i am looking for.  i already committed to that, which is why i am alone.

and now ... i am going to have a dinner prepared by a bonafide French chef, and go and hang with my friends -- like i would just because we want to hang out.  so, then i'll be all alone with them, and they are the best people to be all alone with, especially on the night before christmas!

and then, the real truth is, that there are countless people who are all alone tonight because their circumstances and today is really just another day in the life of, and this is the first year where christmas is merely an excuse to have parties with my friends while my daughter is on vacation.