Really Good Lovers

No, I just sometimes really want you to have never even existed as a potential thought in my mind. My mind created you before you even ever appeared in my life. Can you really hate someone because of who the thought is in your own mind even though an actual replica person just appeared, who knows nothing about that thought or the him he now personifies?

There are days I want to move where thoughts originate in a place where no one I've ever imagined could have possibly come from, and that's when I pray hardest for a visit from a new species of beings I may have a conversation with, you know, actual conversations. Not guesses, or my projections, I want a conversation with someone from a different galaxy, if that's a common concept other beings appreciate.

Earth centric lives are challenged to want to survive and live on many levels because more intelligent humans misuse their skills and talents and they hurt other people. Right now, humans are challenging one another on these issues.

Some Tasks I Give Myself

It is my intention that I will, before I die, find a man who I love, who will want to do this with me. I really don't want to do it alone and I want to have fun doing it. If I don't do it with someone before my daughter graduates, I'll find a class I'd want to take with someone like my #mycybercrush at that time.

Yes, I Was

Yes, I was a truTV girl. And, jail sucks. We really need to #EndMassIncarceration. <3nikiV

Don't I Wonder

Don't I wonder what he thinks? Doesn't everyone think about what their lover thinks about? I think about what my "love" that kind of #TrueLove that marriage is all about thinks about all the time and I really hope those who love me want to know those thoughts in me I never share.

Yes, I wonder what he thinks about as he detaches from me once again. Somewhere, on planet earth, I do know this, there is a man who is my greater earth love than #myNeWBoYfriend, that person, who I will meet will happen after her graduation from high school when I'm freed again.

To find a man better than #mwby will require a quest I begin today, the day I realize the absolute futility of my cybercrush, as he's most surely gay and I do love my gay husbands, yet I do need to find my real #MyCybeRcRusH love I could marry if that was such a thing to actually do again.

#findnikiv #ListeningNow to "and now your dead" by The Warheads #np on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/jrs-1-1/and-now-your-dead

I'm sharing this with those manifestations of ideas I once had of love yet who, as human beings, were never able to fully materialize permanently as a partner for me on planet earth. Those ideas are gone, love is what I have found, the one actually in a bed, waiting for me now because I must live here for my daughter's life.

For another year and one-half, dead is what I want to raise because then, that summer, I soooooo want to meet #MyCyberCrush. #ClimateAction

#lovewinsthesacredgames

Check out @URoniMoFo's Tweet: https://twitter.com/URoniMoFo/status/817880691685765121?s=09

#lovewinsthesacredgames

Check out @URoniMoFo's Tweet: https://twitter.com/URoniMoFo/status/817880691685765121?s=09

Holidaze

As I sit here on my bed in the hospital, I'm enjoying all the pictures from my friends from the family gatherings over the Christmas holiday. The best are the pictures by the trees.

I stopped decorating for the holidays a few years ago for many reasons, mostly based on the flash, over-the-top consumerism that invades our society at Christmas and the fact we always went home to the family's home for the holidays.

As I look at other's photos, what I do appreciate is that box of decorations I have that stays unopened, sitting now in my garage. In this friend's picture on Instagram, I see THAT tree, well almost, which I decorated in one style, then in another's photo, another year's tree I decorated in that other style, etc. I loved choosing and decorating Christmas trees. So, today I'm thinking, maybe if I survive after this hospital visit, I'll be lucky enough to become a grandma and will do that Christmas thing, minus that consumer crap, again. Christmas is beautiful, even if it's soooooo over done.

411 On My CyberCrush

So, I cancelled my marriage and my former husband decided to divorce me, and so, I am single again. I learned a lot from both my marriage and divorce.

I've decided, I'm never supposed to be single, even if I'm totally ok being single, I love having a lover and partner, I loved being together even if I didn't love being married. I don't think I ever need to get married again, yet I do love living with others. And, THAT, was a big thing for me to decide: do I want to just be single? My answer is no. Ok, so, my search for a lover and partner began again.

My friend Joanne told me I needed a crush on a celebrity or something first, to learn how to find a new person fascinating, exciting, even if they are just another, sigh, human. She knows me, my experience, friends, and my boredom with most people and their lives. Ok. I decided on a #CyberCrush versus Omar Sharif because my childhood crush was dead, and I don't watch much tv.

So, I picked Om Malik as my #CyberCrush, why? I don't know really, he was the first person that intrigued me. I found him on a random feed from WordPress, who had highlighted something he wrote, and poof, it was good enough writing, smart thoughts even if strange, and made me laugh.

I followed him there, and eventually on Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr, I think I even signed up for his email newsletter. I did not follow him on Facebook, cuz I didn't want to do something this silly there (even if on occasion I do check him out there because I'm bored). I love his photography and watching his growth in his new passion, and watching him do his life online. He's a smart man from what he does professionally, and he's like an internet god of sorts.

What's not to love? Oh, you can also find that online if you want. Perhaps the biggest downer of my CyberCrush is that he believes he'll never fall in love. Yes, he wrote that, and he wrote that he's ok with that. Lol, isn't that just like me to pick someone who doesn't even think they are here on earth to love like that?! I mean, I know there are monks and nuns and folks like that, is that who I selected? And then, I think, what a person to select to have a crush on, someone who would never even want to meet me because, what if he was wrong? What if love just took him over and the conclusions he wrote at one time became inaccurate? I wonder how my CyberCrush would handle that. Hmmmm

Truth

@nikivandel shared @project.yourself's post with you. See it at https://www.instagram.com/p/BMaBN7Fjm25/?r=453674940

Life Stories Music

http://wp.me/p3x2mx-60

Slippin In

http://wp.me/p31wtL-X5

silence has its own sound, and it's different to everyone, after all, what exactly is the relevance of the whirring hum of the refrigerator until it stops to create a new level of Silence to hear?

listen to the changing sounds of Silence in a world full of sound, then imagine the sound of the silence in space where the only sounds are self-sourced, originating only because a human chooses to live where life has no sound.

vacant life lives in the chaos of sounds overwhelming life's song, and silence is often the only mode of peace.

Being Sick

Being sick sucks. I am not a good sick person. Three weeks and I'm done with this bronchitis or whatever that is making it impossible to breathe sometimes. And the swelling, never had that before unless I sprained my ankle. As I sit here drinking my detox tea instead of a cup of coffee, it really, really sucks.

And, all I want is really a night of uninterrupted sleep again.

New Relationship Still Working

In the story of my life, I can count the number of real relationships I've had with the opposite sex on one hand, and my thumb belongs to my dad.

Ok, maybe a few of my past relationships were more real than I give them credit for, yet "real relationships" are different than those one may have just because loneliness.

This new relationship, my first, really, since I cancelled my marriage with my former husband, reminds me of the kind one would have in high school. If I was a drama queen, it could be a while different experience for certain, and I wonder if I shouldn't just try to play that role for him. I just don't know if I could be a drama queen. Yet I think he would actually enjoy it. Hmmmmm

New Relationships And Holidays

Everyone celebrates the holidays, even if your like me and don't install a single ornament or go to church or a parade or even a party. Christmas gets celebrated every year and we all wake up, coexist and live in celebration each day.

The humility of Christianity make me think this huge messy Santa celebration thing is so unChristmas except in the way it isn't for a handful of people.

I try to be in that handful, yet I often miss Christmas altogether -- except dinner with friends because we're all on holiday.

Celebrate simple and pure. Our planet needs the attention over *#@%^ Christmas.

"Thoughts"

Thoughts are just that -- thoughts.  Things we don't really know exactly what they are or how they are actually formed, except that often they are based on experience, reality and imagination, are always present.

Most "thoughts" stay silently tucked away inside each of our brains for our own use, examination, experience and then -- the internet appeared and now we can just *POOF* write our thoughts and send them out of our brains.  I don't find emptying my brain of its thoughts ever works, though, even if i type or record every single one of them, there are always more of them waiting to be seen, heard, recognized or even, if so lucky, expressed and shared.

People often like to define us by the thoughts we've chosen to express (or not express in certain situations), and well, if they need to do that, they may and you should know that people do do that -- define you by what they THINK you said when you expressed THAT thought there.

Earth.  A prison system right now.

He's Moody

Men intrigue me. When men are moody they are mostly annoying probably in the way we women are when we are moody. Yet, moody men are most intriguing until they are just silly.

Normal is hard to know if moody is their way of life.  The work in relationships isn't worth it if the moody ones don't understand (or try to understand) their rhythms.

Spend your time with those who work as hard as you do at making yourselves and your world better.

best layed plans

usually have been thought about for a long time, written down, edited and modified many many times.  so why not in life, can we plan our own . . . life?

i wonder that and then think about what i would write today.  today, my dad died.  i'm very sad.  i would have written a very different story for me and my dad to experience if i was the writer of our lives together, yet i was not -- except as the child sitting here writing this.

i would have written a happy life for us -- which would need to have excluded my mother from all of our reality except for perhaps before age . . . 13.  she was cool until i turned 13. then, i don't know what happened -- something like a combination of Pat Robertson meets Fox News hit.  It seemed like nothing they taught me before then mattered.

we never reconciled, yet i do think they know i love them the same as i always did, even with all that hate and stuff they hold onto so tight.  well, dad, you don't need to hold on to it any more.  enjoy infinity, i hear its fun.

FUQEDITORS

because i have a boyfriend that i had been having sex with everyday -- at least once -- for seven weeks, except 2 days, and then there was Thanksgiving Dinner with his daughter and her man.

#Thanksgiving.

should be so simple unless you just want to make every thing that you #MustHave on #Thanksgiving because that's just what we do, not what we really, truly want or actually care about.

#Gorging.  That's what was happening, and what planet earth reality came to say #FuqThat, THAT reality is #Unsustainable if you want to continue living.

My new boyfriend, or at least trying to be my new "Man" (yet in his head its more like "MAN" I am most certain), as such could be a challenge if you live the reality i am living as my daughter chooses to attend a fuqing public high school with her friends from junior high - - don't ask, long story -- had a seizure right as we were finishing dinner.

He's still recovering today -- wow what a journey of WOW bam WOW bam WOW -- yet, still, nothing as bad as jail, so i smile and keep on stepping as fast as possible to teh drum i'm hearing that's going to bring this #fuqafukushima reality to a happy ending as we step forward to ? ? ?

tomorrow is a new day.  i am enjoying having a boyfriend =)

never knowing where you are

never knowing where you are leaves you mostly confused and lost.

i really never know where i am because i never know who i am to everyone around me.

maybe everyone feels this way?

so, life today is involved with a war waging all over our planet against the coming storms of shift that our planet will force us to reconcile with, if we can, and a war amongst its people everywhere it seems.

i used to get excited about going to listen to people talk about the wars, all of them, then i realized that they knew nothing except how to perpetuate the wars -- all of them.  to be honest, all i ever heard was war stories and how to "stop the war" by expanding it in "Our Way."  i think, the most important thing to do to stop a war is to decide "Today, we are stopping the war," and going from there. the first step is to STOP fighting amongst your friends.

every moment we find ourselves in a moment with others, we can say, "you are my friend and we will support and empower one another and we will stop the wars."  if we can do that together, we can stop the wars.