Playing Jinx In Love

When was it, I wonder, when we were all programmed to be so self-effacing?  And, really, we are not, but we pretend to be in order to hide what we really want.  I suppose if we just all went after what we wanted instead of feigning a self-worthlessness that manipulates only the weakest of minds for cheap emotional payoffs, we would all be pigs.  And, not those kinds of pigs that are of the cute, e.b. white variety.

I got an eNote from a relatively new friend the other day, who indicated, "I don't want to jinx it [a new relationship]."  That made me disappointed, as I thought he was a man.

What kind of real relationship would anyone get involved

where that is a thought a grown man would have?

 What kind of relationship could ever result from a beginning such as this?  To be honest, I never even had that kind of relationship in high school.

There is a difference between being a nice person who is an adult, knows what they want, knows what they don't want, knows the qualities of a relationship for empowerment.  Then there's the nice person who is always looking for someone to treat them badly so they have an excuse for not succeeding in the life they desire to live.  Working to impress someone is a distraction for people who are unable to receive love.  And, if you look around on planet earth right now, there are many people currently afflicted with that psychosis. 


What I am finding, as I journey out on this path once again stepping into the realm of inter-personal relationships with an eye to relationship, I realize the lessons I learned from my first marriage are profound and I am so grateful for that experience.  But, I love being a pig and know that in relationships, if you are insecure ever, you will be insecure always.

Insecurity defeats the purpose of being in relationship.

Home Again

When she met him, he was living at his parents.  Like so many stories, his had brought him full circle.  The struggle to be himself was an on-going battle in that scene.  She watched him challenged by that knowing how hard it is to be one's self when that "self" has no resemblance to the child that lived there so many years ago.  It seemed, to her, he was looking for the perfect role to play but could not help but be himself -- somewhere between the child he was supposed to play at home and the man he had become.  He simply did not realize how charming that was.

Or maybe he did, and the act was all for her benefit.  She did not discard that possibility, she was, after all, a social media artist -- every angle of every story was possible.

The ancient patterns of childhood always come crashing into the reality which tries to rewrite and change everything one has become while growing into one's self.  Those old habits of relationships and beliefs now so out of place seemingly to be easily discarded as out-dated, but yet they remain ingrained in the timing and rhythm of the original family.  Time will tell if the rub of the new relationship would be enough to slough off the dead patterns and whether that may be the only purpose of the relationship.

She was a mess all by herself, she thought. "Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me?"  She wondered out loud.